Operation Duckling
by KillianSwans
Summary: Rumpelstiltskin has finally found a way to get Belle back. His plan includes trying every way imaginable to get Emma Swan pregnant with Captain Hook's baby... without being able to use magic. Sounds crazy? Welcome to Storybrooke. Takes place after "Heroes and Villains."
1. Chapter 1

Prelude

Believe it or not, this was far from the first time Rumpelstiltskin had sat down for tea with a sorceress.

"The only thing I desire is the information to create a curse that will transport Belle and I back to the Enchanted Forest."

"Why not reconcile somewhere else?" the sorceress inquired.

"Our relationship began there and remained strongest. Times were simpler. Belle loved me deeply in the Enchanted Forest. Most importantly, there was no meddling Emma Swan and Co. to ruin my relationship, especially that dastardly pirate. So what do I need to make this curse?"

"Oh a curse, how predictable Rumple." Her smooth voice purred.

He lurched suddenly and grabbed her wrist. "_Don't_ call me Rumple. And this curse is different, dearie. It's not to punish everyone. It's simply to benefit myself."

She ripped her wrist away from his clutches while still maintaining her confident aura. "Yes, I have heard far and wide of the greed of Rumpelstiltskin. You need exactly four ingredients for this curse: three hairs of a unicorn, the leaf of an Infane flower, star dust from the kingdom of Oakenhaven."

"And?" Rumple asked, cueing the fourth and final ingredient.

"And the product of true love's product of true love."

Any child born of true love was useful to Rumple. This has been proven again and again throughout history. But if one of these children were to grow up and have a child with their one true love, it would be twice as powerful. His thoughts went to Emma Swan. Emma herself was a product of true love, and if she gave birth to the product of her own true love, the baby would be unstoppable. He had magically tested Henry for what the sorceress had just described to him months ago. Alas, Henry's father and Rumple's son Neal had not been Emma's true love, and in turn Henry failed to inherit the full power of two generations of true love. This did not mean, however, that Miss Swan did not have a true love.

It was then he realized exactly what he needed to complete the curse that would bring him home.

"I must obtain the child of Emma Swan and the nefarious Captain Hook."

The only problem was Emma and Hook did not have a child. Yet.

"There's one more thing, Rumpelstiltskin," she confided, quite amused with the words she had carefully selected: "If you interfere in the child's conception with magic, the child will not inherit the power of two generations of true love. In fact, any of your magic used in the lovers' vicinity could be potentially harmful to your little plan."

"Then I vow not to use an ounce of magic once I reach Storybrooke."

This was possibly the largest setback to his gimmick yet. Things were not made easier by the fact that Rumple did not have long to stay in Storybrooke before someone discovered him. Rumpelstiltskin's return trip to Storybrooke had to be entirely unnoticed by all of its inhabitants. Things were proving to be slightly more challenging than he originally anticipated.

But the Dark One was not fazed. He would do whatever needed to be done to get his happy ending with Belle. Other than the few… challenges… in his plan, Rumple had a great feeling about this scheme. He recalled that Henry would come up with titles for his missions, so Rumple decided to expand that tradition by naming this one "Operation Duckling."

"Operation Duckling" began the second tea time wrapped up with Rumple's lady sorceress friend. With a wave of his hand she had forgotten he'd ever come to visit, but what he hadn't let her forget was that next time a great wizard walked through her doors she would be a bit more respectful.

She was of no consequence. Operation Duckling was a go. It was time for Emma Swan and Killian Jones to have a baby.

Chapter 1

Throughout the entire time that Rumpelstiltskin had known Emma Swan, not once did he ever imagine that he would try to get her pregnant. Then again, it wasn't the strangest thing he'd ever done. There was that one time he ended up retrieving a glass eye from a whale.

Rumpelstiltskin's reunion with this seemingly quaint little town had been silent as planned. His status remained incognito. It was a drawback that he could not use magic to disguise himself but before he had become the Dark One he had been used to living on the down low. Back in the days before he had magic, being the town coward meant not many people liked to see you. So he had started only leaving his little house when necessary to please the residents of his village. He had taken to going for strolls at night and always wore a cloak in order to conceal his identity.

The Dark One used these same tactics now. He traveled only at night, and still mostly through alleyways and the least busy residential streets. The cloak he wore covered his form and face and didn't bother the few people who saw him. After all, Storybrooke was filled with all kinds of odd sorts. As long as he didn't hurt anybody, a man in a cloak was the least of their troubles.

He got down to business almost right away. He didn't know where else to start other than Mary Margaret and David's apartment. Over time it had become home to Emma and often Henry and other wandering souls such as Elsa who was no longer in Storybrooke. If he eavesdropped he could possibly find out information he needed to know. If he was lucky, Emma still lived there. By ten thirty it was dark enough that Rumpelstiltskin could travel but early enough that the inhabitants of the apartment were probably still awake.

Rumple climbed the stairs leading to their door as noiselessly as he could. He perched himself outside of it, prepared to take off if he thought someone was going to open the door.

He heard Mary Margaret's record player crackle to life and "Flowers in Your Hair" by the Lumineers sweetly crooned from the crack in their door. Inside, David mentions "I kind of miss how Emma would instantly start complaining whenever we turned on the Lumineers."

"Yeah, I bet she misses our record player." Snow White muses as she joins him on the couch.

"Oh please, having her own apartment by the bay, living with Hook, it must be a dream come true."

"It's hardly what I'd imagine a dream come true." Mary Margaret went on.

"Yes, but we have very high standards for dreams coming true." David interjected. Mary Margaret smiles at that and clasps David's hand. But she can't help herself.

"You know Emma's birthday is coming up and now that Hook pays half the rent at their Dapplegrim apartment, I bet he can't afford to buy her fancy diamond earrings anymore."

"True, he's still paying in dubloons. So what, _we_ should get her fancy diamond earrings? I still think that was an unreasonable gift for just the few weeks they've been dating."

"You're such an overprotective dad." Mary Margaret playfully pushes him. "And no, I was thinking we should get her a nice record player. And maybe a Lumineers album in case she misses us."

David groaned and Mary Margaret babbled on. From his position outside the door, perched like a starving hawk, Rumple grinned. So it would seem Emma and Killian had their own living space together. And diamond earrings were always a step in the right direction. It seemed like this couple wasn't wasting any time.

Now that he knew where they lived, the next step was to break into the flower shop at approximately one in the morning.

Patsy's Pansies was the only flower shop in the entirety of Storybrooke. As it turns out, Patsy Stockingholme before the curse had been Megara from the popularized movie "Hercules." Megara's Pansies doesn't have the same ring to it, so the name Patsy's Pansies remained. She claims her inspiration for the flower shop had come from a dream she had as Patsy where a handsome stranger handed her a beautiful, white flower.

Anyway, Rumple waited until one o'clock in the morning when everyone had gone to bed and not a single creature stirred in the town. Storybrooke ran on such a loose "trust" system, that breaking and entering the shop was quite easy… almost too easy. As Rumple entered the store he noticed several stone figurines scattered amongst the flowers. He only hoped that the co-owner of this establishment was not Medusa. He wasn't proud to say he'd had a one night stand with her a long time ago and what could he say? She got a bit clingy.

Looking around the shop, Rumple quickly spotted the bouquet arrangements. He might not know Emma Swan as a friend, but Rumple had a feeling that she would despise roses for being too cliché. The bouquet of gladioli's caught his attention. In the Enchanted Forest, there was an ancient Language of Flowers. The gladiolus flower symbolizes passion, love, and most importantly, a warrior. Nicking them from their display, he carried them back to Granny's. He had managed to reserve a name under Sir Gawaine whilst wearing his cloak and using a deepened voice. Granny seemed interested in checking his face, but he managed to leave her under the false pretenses that he had severe face burns from a run in with a dragon.

He left the flowers in his room because when he did what he was about to do he couldn't look any stranger than a man in a cloak. He also picked up his lock-picking kit. Since he knew he wouldn't be able to use magic once he got to Storybrooke he had brought all sorts of tools with him. He knew picking locks was something he'd probably be doing a lot at his final stay in this town.

Rumple strolled through the night until he got to Cinderella's Slipper, Storybrooke's most expensive store. Cinderella had actually tried for a lawsuit against the owners because she was in no way affiliated with the store nor had agreed with her name being used in the store's title. Rumple picked the lock in about a minute and left the door open just a crack.

Rumple then checked his watch. It was 1:30 a.m which meant David had just started his shift at the Sheriff's office. He made his way to the street corner outside of the local bar. He had known the thief Will Scarlet to hang around these parts most nights. He needed only wait about twenty minutes before Will came along, stumbling just a bit.

Rumple used his deepened voice to attract Will's attention. "Hey you there! Boy!"

Will looked around in all directions, seeing who the strange man in the dark cloak was talking to before realizing that it was himself. Yes, Will Scarlet was slightly drunk.

"You talkin to me, Mr. Cloak Man?"

"Why yes, son. I have reason to speak with you."

"Then why do you have that ridiculous looking thing on?" Will closed the gap between them by lunging forward and attempting to grab Rumple's hood. Luckily, Rumple caught his hand just in time.

"Ah, ah, ah. Must've go grabbing at things that aren't our business," Rumple warned. Even with his face covered, he still had a terrifying aura around him.

"Who the hell are you?"

"I'm someone who's on your side. But I am also not someone to be messed with."

"And how are you on my side?"

"I have highly coveted information by the likes of you. I'll let you in on a secret: Cinderella's Slipper is open for the taking."

"Why the bloody hell would I want to rob a store called Cinderella's Slipper?"

"You blatantly don't understand how profitable that store is. Not only is it of the highest caliber, but it also holds an exact replica of Cinderella's glass slipper which is worth thousands. The original, however, is priceless. An eager buyer who isn't the brightest would never be able to tell the difference between the copy and the original if you understand what I'm trying to say..."

"Why me?" Will demanded. His drunken state caused him to be sluggish in his movement, and his aim of Rumple's cloak merely reached the air beside his head. "Tell me! Who are you? You seem to know a lot of information about thievery- why don't you rob the bloody store?"

"I am the wealthiest man that you could ever imagine meeting, but gold is not the source of my riches," Rumple cackled. "No, my infinite knowledge makes me the richest man in the world. I do not need a glass slipper, but I know you Will Scarlett, and this information is useful to you."

"Bloody hell! You know my name!" In spite of his inebriation, Will was not thinking clearly. All he could picture is him holding a glass slipper in one hand with piles of money in the other.

"I know much more than your name. You may either take this opportunity to become significantly richer, or you may forget everything I've just told you and waste the best thing that could ever happen to your tiny, insignificant little life."

Will was not a fool... when he was sober. However, the promise of money was enough to trick him in his current state, and he immediately made way for Storybrooke's most luxurious store.

Rumple's eyes glinted maliciously from underneath his dark hood, like a cat.

Watching Will's retreating figure, Rumple took off in the direction of the sheriff's station. His plan was running smoothly.

The harsh, fluorescent lights of the station contrasted against the midnight hues of the sky, but Rumple could make out David's hunched over figure.

A bell chimed when Rumple entered the station, and David jumped in surprise, spilling his coffee.

"Dammit! I needed that to stay awake!" David swore, quickly wiping up the spillage with his sleeve.

"I'm sorry to bring you any trouble," Rumple began. "But I think that the information I bring to you will make up for your drink. I was returning home when I saw Will Scarlett breaking into Cinderella's Slipper. No one was there to stop-"

David cut Rumple off with a frantic gesture as he rose out of his chair, slightly slipping on the spilled coffee.

"I need to get Emma and Hook. They're closer than I am to Cinderella's Slipper!" David shouted, scrambling for the phone.

"If I may, I would suggest to leave the good captain out of this. Storybrooke is a small town and one hears things... I fear that Hook's history with Will might make a bigger mess of this ordeal."

"Fine, whatever. I suppose you have a point," David said hurriedly. "Just wait here! I'll need to a statement from you!"

David took off into the night, his ringing cellphone in hand.

Meanwhile, Emma was rudely woken to the sound of her persistent phone ringing loudly. She had been blissfully sleeping with Killian's arms wrapped around her, creating a world she never wanted to leave.

"Turn it off, Swan. It's the bloody middle of the night. All this beeping and technology are nuisances," Hook groaned.

"It's David, I have to answer this," Emma argued, but she wasn't happy about it either. There was a reason there were shifts at the sheriff's station. Sleep. Sleep was that reason. Emma pressed the answer button.

"Emma! Leave Hook and meet me at Cinderella's Slipper right now! Don't waste any time!" David's voice shouted over the phone.

"What? Why do I have to leave Hook? What's happening?" Emma wondered, but her father had already hung up. Hook sat up in confusion beside her.

"David told me to meet him at Cinderella's Slipper immediately but to leave you behind!" Emma explained briefly as she leapt out of bed. Despite David's warning to leave Hook behind, Emma expected her boyfriend to follow regardless.

"I don't know. Must be serious," Hook shrugged, sagging backwards into the bed.

"Aren't you coming?" Emma asked from the doorway.

"If my mate told you to come alone, I think we should respect that," Hook yawned, already almost asleep.

"Sure. Whatever," Emma replied icily. Her father sounded urgent, so she didn't want to waste a second. This could be anything from a "I messed up and Snow is pissed so meet me at a fancy store to help me pick out a gift and don't let Hook know because he will tease me" situation to "help there is another evil sorcerer/sorceress and they are threatening to kill all the innocent citizens of Storybrooke and we need to stop him/her" situation. Emma hoped it was the former, but she was still angry at Hook for not following her as it could easily be the latter. She jogged up to Cinderella's Slipper right as her father arrived.

With a silent nod of understanding, both father and daughter stormed into the shop only to find Will Scarlett attempting to crack the code of the glass slipper's case.

"Hands up, bitch." Guess which one said that.

As Emma roughly shoved Will's wrists into handcuffs, something rather odd was occurring at her and Hook's residence.

Rumple had ignored David and left the sheriff's station to retrieve the flowers from his room. The flowers were now concealed by his black death cloak. He snuck into Emma's apartment building- quicker than lightning and quieter than a mouse. Not that mice are the quietest creatures out there. In fact, mice can be quite squeaky when one thinks about it- oh, nevermind.

_Anyway_, Rumple found the apartment number associated with "Swan-Jones" (_of course her last name is first, _Rumple thought briefly), and crept up to the door. Using one of his tools, he skillfully unlocked the lock with ease. Huh, one would think an ex-con and a pirate would keep a harder to pick lock.

On his tip-toes, Rumple slithered into the apartment and placed the flowers on the nearest table. He thought he heard someone waking up, but it turned out it was nothing more than Hook's snoring and incoherent night babbling. He thought he heard him mumble Emma's name a few times, but he did not wake. Rumple grinned widely, like the Chesire cat. His plan was in motion.

Later that morning, Emma walked through the door exhausted, her shoulders heavy and her head throbbing. David was so going to have to let her sleep in, pulling guns on criminals in the middle of the night didn't put her in the right mood for the morning. Not that Emma couldn't handle it, she had juggled a hell of a lot more and could again. It wasn't that she had needed Hook there either or been terribly broken up when he didn't follow her. She had just rather gladly gotten used to him being her knight in shining armor. He had always jumped at the opportunity to keep her safe. But when David asked for just her, Killian hadn't been as curious as Emma would've thought.

Emma slowly took off her jacket and put it on the back of one of the kitchen table chairs. She rubbed her temple and exhaled deeply. When she brought her head back up, vibrant purples and blues caught her eye. Emma stared, wide-eyed at the flowers-lovely as they were-on her mahogany table. Was she crazy? She'd been sure they weren't there when she left earlier. That meant they had to have been placed while she was gone. Were they a trick? A trap? A distraction?

Then Emma laughed at herself. She must really be going crazy if she thought flowers were a threat. A warm feeling spread through her that only Killian gave her when she realized he must have been the one who got them. Killian knew her better than anyone. He must have caught on that she was pissed as hell but still didn't want to disobey David by tagging along after Emma. Hook was still trying to earn David's full approval.

"And the prize of best boyfriend goes to... Killian Jones!" Emma called out, reading the note attached. She expected Hook to be awake, seeing that he had put flowers out, so she was slightly surprised when there was no answer.

"Killian? Killian!" she shouted. Upon entering the bedroom, she immediately saw his sleeping figure.

"Lazy bones can't even stay awake after getting me flowers," Emma grumbled, though entirely happier after her discovery of the flowers. She kicked off her shoes and leapt into the bed, kissing Killian gently on the lips.

"Mm, love. No better way to wake up," he grinned, eyes fluttering open.

"Thank you for the flowers," Emma said, her voice growing low. Killian looked at her in confusion.

"Flowers?"

"Don't play coy- I saw them on the table. They're my favorites!"

"Gladiolus flowers?"

"Why are you acting so surprised? You did get them for me after all. I read the note."

"Actually, I-" but all protests were soon lost on Hook's lips as something more interesting came up.

**A/N: So there's the prelude and the first chapter! I hope you enjoyed and love Captain Swan as much as we do! This story was co-written by wearethesultans (yes my username goes first) and fishfingersandcustard333. We got this idea from venting about how OUAT (disclaimer: we do NOT own it in any because if we did, we would make this fanfic happen) keeps bringing in new villians, whereas a season based on problems of already existing characters would be better. I would much rather get some more screen time of our favorite Storybrookers than see yet another new villain introduced! Anyway, we somehow came up with this idea- the image of Rumple tiptoeing around incognito trying to make Killian and Emma procreate was just too great to pass up. **


	2. Chapter 2

AN: Thank you to everyone who read, reviewed, favorited and followed! To show our appreciation we included some Captain Swan fluff at the beginning, just for you lovely readers! Enjoy!

"I have never, ever heard of him, love," Killian shook his head. Emma and Hook were sitting in their usual booth at Granny's Diner, waiting on their order. Emma was trying to get Hook to divulge some of the secrets of his past, preferably the ones that included some of her favorite characters in real life. Little did they know, Rumpelstiltskin was peering at them through the glass outside from his hiding spot.

"Oh, come on. Wrack your brains, Hook! You're the most famous pirate of the seas, feared by all in the Enchanted Forest. You _must _have heard of Flynn Rider at some point. You know, Rapunzel's husband?" Emma demanded.

"Wait! Rapunzel has a husband? Since when?!"

"Since the movie came out? I don't know. Maybe you're behind on all the fairy-tale gossip. If Rapunzel is real, Flynn has to be real as well."

"I'm sorry, love. I don't think Flynn exists. Obviously they botch some of the facts in the modern adaptations- I was given a godforsaken perm and acted as a coward. Both are things that I will never truly be associated with."

"Ugh, dammit! I always loved Eugene and Rapunzel together. It was Henry's favorite part, too. I guess it wasn't meant to be in real life."

"Wait, who's Eugene?"

"Oh! Flynn Rider's just an alias- Eugene Fitzherbert is his real name."

"Eugene Fitzherbert? That old scoundrel! Me and Eugene go way back! He was an orphan, just like I was. He taught me how to read, and I taught him how to swordfight. Eugene Fitzherbert was the scrawniest, oddest child I have ever met, but he was like a second brother to me. I am most surprised that he became a thief and changed his name to Flynn Rider. But, I suppose it makes sense. His favorite book used to be the Tale of Fynn Strider and His Mighty Sword. I can see where he got the pseudonym from."

"I knew it!" Emma proclaimed. Killian grinned at her apparent glee. "What was your favorite book?"

"My favorite book- love, I think you know me better than that. Of course it was a book about pirates. It was called Dirty Sidney Flint and the Madness of Cannon Island. I probably read it a million times."

"What was it about?" Emma asked, creeping closer to her boyfriend.

"Well," Killian began. "It had sword fights, lots of fighting in general actually, revenge, a nasty monster, captures, escapes-"

"Did it have miracles?" Emma interjected. Killian's explanation gave her a sneaking suspicion he was speaking of the Enchanted Forest version of the _The Princess Bride._

"Yes, actually. Have you read it?"

"No, it must not exist in this realm. But, does it have torture?"

"Yes, it has a torture scene or two."

"What about true love?"

Killian looked her dead in the eyes and answered, "Oh yes."

"It sounds like _The Princess Bride_," Emma laughed.

"The Princess what?"

"_The Princess Bride_! Did you ever meet Buttercup and Westley? Or Vizzini and Inigo Montoya and Fezzik? Did you ever duel Prince Humperdink?"

"Slow down, love. I can assure you that none of those people are real."

"Oh, well, that's too bad. I'll lend you the book sometime, and we can watch the movie. It's a silly movie, but it means a lot to me. When I was eight, I was in a foster home that was pretty nice. The father was rude and the other children were too loud, but the mother was the nicest woman I had ever met in the system. One day, I got the flu, and she sat with me and read _The Princess Bride_. I loved it, of course. And then when Henry and I were in New York and he got sick this one time, I found a copy of _The Princess Bride _and I read it to him. The movie definitely does the book justice as well- I think you'll enjoy both. In fact, Westley and Buttercup's story is very similar to ours. A pirate who falls in love with a princess, although to be fair neither were a pirate or a princess when they fell in love. But they've been saving each other since."

"I would love to read and watch it with you, Emma," Hook smiled softly, gently kissing Emma on the lips.

"Just remember where you are," Ruby chided the loving couple, sliding two steaming hot chocolates onto their table. "Emma I'll bring over the cinammon, I remember how you like that in cocoa." Ruby retreated behind the counter to fetch the extra cinnamon Granny's kept just for Emma and Henry.

"_Cinnamon _in hot chocolate?" Hook asked with a laugh.

"It's a Swan family tradition" Emma shared. "You'll have to try it now, too."

Hook was quiet for a moment, a look of gentle bliss on his face. "Are you saying I'm part of the Swan family now?"

Emma hadn't realized what she'd just said, but she couldn't take it back now. "Maybe you are," she said quietly.

They were about to lean in and kiss once more when Ruby came back with the cinnamon. Hook and Emma both scrambled for their wallets.

"The hot chocolates are free of charge- trust me, seeing your lips do something other than make out is payment enough for me... and the rest of the people eating here."

Emma blushed, whilst Killian merely chuckled, earning an indignant look and a kick from underneath the table.

"Dammit, Ruby!" Rumple cursed the wolf waitress from his spot outside in the bushes. Why had she needed to stop the couple? He had been spying on Emma and Killian for the past half hour, trying to determine if she might be displaying any pregnancy symptoms and overall managing their current progress.

_I wish I could only hear what they were saying, _Rumple wondered.

"I got it! I'll bug their apartment!" he whispered to himself. Weeks of solitude have made him talk to himself frequently. "That's perfect! I'll place the bug when I leave Emma chocolate covered in pills that will make it easier to get pregnant!"

Rumple then realized his mistake of speaking out loud and quickly looked around to see if anyone else had been near him.

"Silly me, I'll need to be more careful about speaking out loud when I'm alone." He couldn't have anymore attention drawn to himself than a black cloak allowed.

Rumple decided that Hook and Emma were going to be preoccupied for at least an hour and made his move on their apartment. The previous day, he crushed up pills that would increase chances of conceiving into a box of chocolates. He left that in a drawer he knew only Emma would look into because he'd been spying on them long enough. He couldn't just leave them out on the table like the flowers because Hook would be coming back with Emma this time and would recognize he hadn't been the ones to get them for Emma. Then, he placed five small bugs into various positions around the house that would allow him to pick up on conversation. This would let him know if Emma got pregnant.

"Good thinking Rumplestiltskin. Aha!"

His work for the day was over- all he could do was sit back and wait. And laugh and talk creepily to himself.

Later that evening, Rumple sat in his room listening to the conversation between Hook and Emma. When their voices suddenly ceased, Rumple chuckled. He knew what they were doing. He turned the monitor off before things could get too personal.

Rumple was hopeful that his latest trick may have worked, but then a few weeks later, he spotted Emma out drinking with Regina. He concluded that Emma Swan had failed at conceiving a child. Oh, but what to do next?

"Think, Rumple. Think!" he shouted to his empty room. Over the past month, he had continued to leave gifts such as more chocolates and champagne for Emma just to set the mood as extra-romantic. But nothing had been efficient so far. Rumple's spirits were dampened. What could he possibly do next?

"Why can't I use any magic? Magic makes everything easier! Damn rules. Damn nature!"

Rumple decided to take the morning off plotting against Emma and Hook; rather, he would simply observe them for ideas. It took a while to locate them with no magic, but he eventually found them in a record store. Emma was currently holding two records in each of her hands. Rumple, being out of sync with "real world trends" could not tell what the records were to save his life. One looked like it said Dire something. Hook shook his head, and Emma poutingly placed the records back. When Emma walked away to a different part of the store, dangerously close to Rumple, Hook swiftly took the two records and bought them.

_Is that what Hook is going to get Emma for her birthday? My friend, that will simply not do! I should buy her a necklace to go with the earrings Hook gave her, _Rumple thought.

Rumple briskly walked out of the music store and straight to Cinderella's Slipper, which despite the name, was a jewelry store. There, he quickly purchased a delicate swan necklace encrusted with diamonds (when he was in New York he made almost a million dollars from thieving and other cons) and placed them in his cloak.

He spotted Hook heading towards the docs alone, Emma must've gone off to her parent's or Regina's. Rumple knew that he was able to get away with sending chocolates and other small goodies in Hook's name, but he would need Hook to believe that _he _gave Emma the necklace. Otherwise, too much suspicion would arise.

First, he wrapped his face in a large bandage just in case Hook grabbed at his cloak or demanded to see his face.

"Hello, Captain," Rumple greeted, disguising his voice. Hook turned around in alarm.

"Who the hell are you?" Killian growled.

"I am not a threat to you," Rumple began- what a lie. "But I can become so if you ever dare to cross me."

"That was bloody vague, mate. You're going to have to be more specific than that."

"My name is Sir Gawain."

"Why is your face covered by your cloak, Sir Gawain?"

"Weeks ago, I had an unfortunate run in with a mad dragon. His flames scorched my face and left me with disgusting burned and scarred skin."

"Show me your face!"

Rumple, prepared for that demand, lifted back the cloak to reveal a slightly bloodied and dirt soaked rag covering his entire head.

"It is still too early to remove the bandages. I'm not ready to look at it anyway... I'm sure someone like you must understand," Rumple explained, motioning to the Killian's hook- the spot where his hand should be. "May I ask what happened?"

"What happened to my hand is none of your business... Let's just say an evil crocodile chomped it off, eh?"

"Anyway, I did not come over here to talk to you about hands and injuries. I noticed that you have a beautiful girlfriend who's birthday is approaching."

"How do you know that?" Hook asked cautiously.

"I know all- that is my greatest source of wealth."

"Then why did you have to ask about my hand? Wouldn't you already know?"

"I was being polite."

"Alright, _Sir _Gawain. What do you want? I swear if you hurt Emma I will-"

"Hurt Emma Swan? The Savior? Why on Earth would I ever desire to harm such a beautiful and wonderful creature? No, my friend. I simply came here to help you- it is what I do best!" Rumple aka Sir Gawaine replied cheerfully.

"_Why _would you help us?"

"Let's just say that it is my job to help people such as you. I normally don't receive so much protesting from those who I offer to help..."

"Alright, then. How do you plan on helping me? And what does this have to do with Emma?"

"If you would stop the barrage of questions for one moment, I'll explain it to you. I have a beautiful swan necklace here that would be the perfect gift for your Emma."

"Why would you pay for a necklace for _my _girlfriend? Are they enchanted with Dark Magic? Besides, I already bought her something."

"I didn't pay for it."

"You stole it!"

"Will you be quiet for ONE second?" Rumple shouted. Hook was wearing his patience thin. "I did pay for the necklace, just not with money. When you know everything, you learn that knowledge can be of more value than money. I traded information for this necklace- simple." Boy, could Rumplestiltskin weave a good tale. "Now, I will give it to you to give to your girlfriend. You can pretend as though it is from you."

"Emma knows that I cannot afford this necklace. Those diamond earrings I got her a few months back put a dent quite large in my budget. I didn't realize how expensive those gems were in this land."

"Make something up, Captain," Rumple had to physically restrain himself from calling him "dearie." "It is her birthday after all."

"Fine. Alright. I'll accept the necklace. But, if it is cursed, just know that I will hunt you down and torture you until you beg for death," Hook threatened. Rumple nodded in a fashion that he hoped seemed solemn, and placed the box in his hands. "Be gone, strange Gawain. And thank you for this gift."

"My pleasure."

Hook walked further down the docks, and Rumple returned to his humble hotel room. Mission accomplished.

Once he had gotten some much needed rest, Rumple stumbled over to the monitor and turned it back on again. There shouldn't be any love-making to listen to now. Rumple frowned. There weren't any voices either.

Just then he heard a fervent argument spring to life in the room next to him. Something about how customers should be told if shoes are being made by elves and not shoemakers and the risk of all their shoes having dangerous magic qualities and why did it take thirty years to find all this out in the first place?

The fighting did not cease and because Rumpelstiltskin still regrettably could not draw attention to himself, he could not ask them to quiet things down. He was forced to sit and listen to the incessant hounding.

To distract him, he switched on the television, hoping something bearable was on. Normally, watching television would be beneath him but these past few weeks have been the strangest of circumstances.

A documentary was on about how aliens probably helped human civilization thrive. Rumple couldn't help himself. He started laughing hysterically at the idiotic humans of this realm. But halfway through his laughing fit, he noticed the show had switched to commercials. And not just any commercial.

A Victoria's Secret commercial.

Slowly, Rumple started to put a new little plan together. It might be his best idea yet, but if not, it was definitely his worst.

Rumpelstiltskin was still coming to terms with the inevitability of entering the Storybrooke's lingerie store during working hours. It was one thing to break into a flower shop in the middle of the night and pick out a bouquet, but lingerie was uncharted territory. He supposed he was lucky Storybrooke even had Underella, so the store was named (also not affiliated with Cinderella). It only opened up about a month ago. That didn't change the fact he couldn't simply waltz in and choose something with the same precision as flowers. He was afraid he would need the professional opinion of woman. And preferably one who worked in the store.

For the thousandth time, he cursed himself for not being able to magically conjure up a proper disguise. He braced himself before entering the shop, but by doing so caught a reflection of himself in the glass door. His cloak coming over his still bandaged face, he was the image of the exact person you never wanted to enter a store like this. The bell jingled when Rumple went through the door. There were three other women shopping and a sales clerk. None of them could hide the shock or uncomfort on their faces when they saw him come in. He wasn't sure where to look, everywhere he turned made him feel as uncomfortable as the shoppers. In the end his eyes rested on the sales clerk. She was now looking back at him with suspicion.

The three women immediately started whispering frantically among themselves, sneaking glances at "Sir Gawain". The wide eyed sales clerk looked panicked but hurried over to Rumple. "Excuse me ma'am, may I ask what happened to your face and why you're wearing a cloak when it's so warm outside?"

Rumple's face reddened under the bandages. It would seem the occupants of the store assumed he too, was a woman. But a tight smile spread across his lips. He had planned on taking things another course but he could use this to his advantage. Instead of deepening his voice like he usually did, he made it quite high pitched. "Why yes, dear-d-d-darling sweetie pie! How kind of you to ask!" Rumple squeaked. "I happen to be a fierce warrior princess who has recently had a run-in with a dragon. I was left with several large burns but they will heal soon enough."

The clerk winced when she heard about the burns but brightened noticeably when Rumple or should I say Rumplette mentioned they would heal. "Oh! Well are you shopping for yourself today or…..?"

"Why yes I am! As I'm sure you can imagine, my sexy partner-in-crime boyfriend and I have not been able to do the dirty deed since my accident. This has been causing a problem or two here and there. But once I am back to my normal state of beauty I want to make up for lost time." Rumple was internally laughing at his cleverness. "I am looking for something very racy that would make my man-well you know. But I can't just have anything, I also need something that fits my personality. Something I would actually wear. See, I put up a very tough attitude and don't let a lot of my true deep emotions show. But underneath it all I think I like to have a good time."

"You think?"

Rumple had forgotten for a few seconds he was supposed to be talking about himself and not Emma. "I _definitely _like to have a good time."

The other woman smiled. "I think I know just the thing."

She lead Rumple over to the back of the store and showed him a special selection. It was perfect.

"I assume this is your size?" the saleswoman asked professionally. Rumple eyed the barely there piece of lacy cloth and noticed an error. He must appear quite large underneath the layers of cloak, the contraption that the lady was holding definitely would not fit Emma.

"I'm a lot smaller underneath this cloak than I look," Rumple croaked in his high falsetto. "I am actually the size of about…. oh I don't know, Emma Swan?." The saleslady judgmentally stared Rumple down before "tsking" and grabbing a smaller size.

When she returned, Rumple decided that the lingerie-cloth-barely-there-thing would definitely fit Emma.

"I'll take it!"

When he checked out, he asked that it be put in one of those fancy boxes with the wrapping paper inside and everything.

He thanked the lady for her help and bid the other women farewell. "Ciao ciao! Bye now!"

As soon as he stepped outside the door, he hid the box underneath his cloak and started talking to himself in an extra deep voice to regain his masculinity. Nevertheless, he was proud of himself.

He was almost tempted to not go back to Granny's at all, but he couldn't afford to get careless, still so early in the game. Once there, he checked the monitors to make sure no one was at their apartment. He checked the schedule he had obtained of the police station shifts and Emma would be getting off work today earlier than Killian. It would seem the stars are aligning.

But he didn't have all the time in the world. He speedily wrote up a note on behalf of Underella (under my underella ella ella eh eh eh). It read:

Dear citizen of Storybrooke,

We randomly chose you as the receiver of this free gift!

We decided to do a giveaway on account of our recent opening.

Please enjoy your or your partners newfound sexiness!

And remember to come check out our store!

Unless this has accidentally been gifted to a household like the former Hansel and Gretel's where there are no remaining adults. (We know you're out there!) Then please throw these meaningless pieces of cloth away.

Yours truly,

Underella

Okay, Rumple admitted the Hansel and Gretel part was a bit much. But Underella was known for their charm. He didn't want Emma to be too suspicious there was foul play going on.

He raced to Emma and Hook's apartment building and left the box with the note and lingerie inside it on the doorstep.

Rumple's heart stopped. Someone was coming up the stairs. He flew around the corner to hide. If he hadn't recently gotten so good at finding hiding spots as quick as possible, he might not have made it.

Emma Swan's unmistakable blond curls bobbed into view. She froze when she saw the box sitting on her doormat.

In a flash, she had cocked her gun, ready to shoot.

Rumpelstiltskin had known she would be suspicious, but he hadn't expected guns to come out blazing. He started nervously sweating. This was the legendary Emma Swan after all. She creeped up on the box as if it were a bomb or dangerous creature. Emma crouched down on her knees to better reach the box. One hand still pointing the gun, one arm carefully, ever so slowly opened the top of the box. She read the note inside over a few times, and put her gun away. He may have even heard her give a little chuckle. He assumed it was because of the Hansel and Gretel part. However, her body was still stiff, her shoulders arched. It was as if all her senses were on alert. She was still suspicious.

When she carefully peeled open the wrapping tissue, her face softened. Her eyebrows knitted as if she were deep in thought.

What she was thinking was "_Hook doesn't have to know these were free. It wouldn't hurt anybody if he thought I even bought this myself._"

Emma crumpled the note and put the top back on the box. She gave a sneaky smile that almost made Rumple sigh of relief. But he caught himself before making any noise, luckily. Once Emma brought her new gift and Rumple's weapon inside, he couldn't help but give a very small cackle of glee.

AN: We hope you liked this chapter, the next one should be up soon enough. Please review! And have a lovely days!


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3:**

"Hello, Emma?" Snow said over the receiver. Rumple had bugged Emma's phone the previous week, so he could listen to her conversations.

"Hey! What's going on? No ice monsters or evil green witches running rampant today?" Emma replied humorously.

"Fortunately no. But I do have to ask you something. Are you free today?"

"Yeah, I should be. Killian's with me, though. We weren't planning on anything special, we were just going to spend the day together."

"Okay! Well, as you may not know, it's your father and my anniversary today!"

"What!? You didn't tell me?!" Emma inquired in such a way that made Killian tilt his newspaper back to make sure nothing was wrong. Killian had recently started trying to read newspapers in order to adjust himself to this world, even though Emma kept telling him it made him look like an old man.

"We didn't want to make a big deal of it! Anyway, are you up for babysitting your brother for the day? And night? In fact, we'll pick him up tomorrow?" Snow asked. Well, more like begged.

Rumple could have dropped his monitor in excitement.

"Ha! Don't sound so worried- of course I'll take Neal. Killian would be happy to help."

At the mention of his name, Hook completely dropped the newspaper.

"What exactly would I be happy to help with?" Hook implied, raising his eyebrows. Emma made a furious "shhhing" sound at him.

"Tell me all about it tomorrow. Have a great time." Emma hung up.

"Love, I believe that this is the part where you tell me what exactly you volunteered us for?"

"Calm down. It's no life or death situation. It's my parents' anniversary- which by the way they never mentioned!- and they asked us to watch over Neal."

"First of all, I think you can hardly say it's not a life or death situation. And you didn't know it was their anniversary? David told me about it _weeks _ago!" Hook exclaimed.

"What?! How come you know about my parent's anniversary before their own daughter... ugh nevermind," Emma shrugged. "I'll go pick Neal up right now. Wanna come with?"

Killian opened his mouth to respond when his situation fully hit him- he would be responsible for an infant _child _for the next day. He had never so much as held a babe in his life. He conveyed his concerns to Emma.

"Relax, Killian. You know Neal- he loves you!"

"I don't think you can tell this early, love. He's merely an infant."

"He loves you," Emma stated firmly. "Trust me, I can tell. He's my brother."

"Thanks for trying to cheer me up," Killian grinned, capturing her lips with his own. He suddenly pulled back. "However, I do believe that we have an obligation to your parents..."

"Ugh, I hate it when you're right. C'mon, let's go," Emma pouted, collecting her coat and car keys.

"I'm right behind you, love. You surely seem on top of everything," Killian smirked.

"Once a pirate, always a pirate," Emma grumbled, but she wasn't really complaining.

Rumple was in hysterics in his room, after having heard Emma and Killian's conversation.

"I can feel it coming in the air tonight!" Rumple cackled, stroking his slight beard. Hygiene had not been a priority.

Anyway, the prospect of Emma and Killian caring for a wee child for the day was perfect to get the conception ideas flowing. If anything, it would open their eyes to the idea that having a child could be a good thing. But good for who they would soon find out... Needless to say, Rumple was pleased how things were playing out.

Meanwhile, Hook's panic started to return.

"What if I drop him? David will kill me. I only have one hand! Oh god, I forgot to take of my hook! What if I spear the boy!" Killian fretted, immediately unstrapping the hook from his stump.

"Relax! You're not gonna drop _or _spear him! It isn't that hard. You manage to balance coffee and food in your arms without ever dropping anything."

"It's just different. This is a tiny child relying solely on me to protect him. And it squirms..."

"He's not your son, he's just your son for the day. If it freaks you out that much, I can do all of the lifting and diaper changes and whatnot. But if we ever have children..." Emma suddenly broke her train of thought- she was treading dangerous waters. If only Rumple had bugged the car! 

"What?" Hook prodded.

"Um, nothing. Be quiet for a minute, I have to concentrate on driving- traffic is bad." Pshh, as if! Traffic in Storybrooke is about as common as seeing a monk in a strip club. Or a sworn Pepsi drinker in the World of Coke. Or- well, you get the point.

Killian was smart enough to not point out that there wasn't a single car in sight.

"We're here," Emma said quickly before leaping out of the car and hurrying into her parents' house. Emma carried baby Neal in his carrier to the car, while Hook brought over a bag filled with his overnight necessities.

"I wonder what babies think about," Hook blurted randomly once they were on the way back to their apartment.

Emma didn't respond, she just shot him a 'what the hell' look. He decided to try something else.

"What's for dinner? I think I'm finally ready to learn how to use the monstrosity called the microwave? What is it exactly used for because- WAIT! STOP!" he screeched suddenly. Emma slammed the brakes of the car, thankfully the whole traffic excuse had been a lie. The nonexistent traffic remained peaceful.

"What the hell, Hook?" Emma shouted. "I could've gotten us killed!"

"My apologies, love. I just realized that I forgot where I placed my hook- I didn't want it to get anywhere near Neal. It startled me, but I shouldn't have shouted," Hook admitted honestly. The hurt puppy look on his face caused Emma to immediately melt.

"Well... It's fine. Do you see it now?"

"Yes, it must've fallen on the floor back there. I'll just stick it up here, away from your brother," he said, fetching the hook.

"Anyway, the microwave? Really? You're finally ready to use it after the hot chocolate incident?"

"What hot chocolate incident?" Hook asked incredulously.

"The one where you ruined my favorite mug?"

"Oh, that hot chocolate incident." As if to distract Emma from his previous crime he chanted, "We're here" as soon as they pulled in. "Neal, welcome to chez Swan-Jones."

"Let's unload the car."

Emma grabbed Neal, and Hook grabbed a couple miscellaneous baby items.

Emma wrestled around trying to locate the apartment keys, but couldn't manage to grab them with a baby in her arms.

"Can you take him for a sec?" she asked Hook. His eyes widened in fear, but he didn't protest.

Killian tenderly took the child from his girlfriend.

"Am I holding him right?" he wondered.

"Yeah, yeah. He's fine," Emma replied distractedly without bothering to look.

"It's just that I don't have a second hand to support-"

"Killian, stop" Emma turned serious. "Stop using your 'missing hand' as an excuse for this. I've seen you do amazing things without it. But more than that I see you do all kinds of ordinary things without it every day. A baby is no different."

Killian straightened up at Emma's serious tone.

"You're right lass- I shouldn't blame my discomfort on being one-handed... I suppose it's just because I've never really been the fatherly type. Whatever gene that is, I don't think I inherited it."

Rumple almost choked when he heard Hook. That was not the attitude Rumple would prefer in this process.

"That's bullshit and you know it." Emma chastised. Rumple couldn't have been more grateful for Emma Swan.

"Swan, I don't think it wise to swear so much around the-"

"Look, there's no such thing as the fatherly type. It's not a gene. It's just something people do, most of them a lot less qualified than you. Nobody thinks they can be a good parent until they are one." Emma hesitated. "One day, you'll be a great dad." She gave him a small smile.

The couple and the baby made their way into the apartment, a calm bliss setting over them.

Killian swung open the door and brought Neal inside.

"Um," Hook started, looking at Neal. Neal looked back expectantly. "This is where your sister and I live. Maybe one day I'll officially be your brother-in-law. Gods, that sounds odd, doesn't it? I've never been an _in-law_ before. Don't tell Emma I brought it up- she gets skirmish about topics involving commitment and such. I probably didn't help much by freaking out about taking care of you for the day..."

Neal babbled incoherently, and Hook continued to ramble on about small trivialities.

When Emma returned to the apartment with Neal's baby gear, she spotted her leather-clad boyfriend talking to her baby brother and bouncing him around.

She could almost feel her ovaries explode.

If Rumple had ovaries, he would've almost felt them explode, too. However, the notion that Rumple has ovaries is highly distracting, and we apologize for that interruptance in the story.

"You're a natural," Emma teased, her light manner returning.

"Thanks," Hook grinned.

"You know all this practice will come in handy-"

A visible crash outside their door rang out. Unbeknownst to them, it was Rumple knocking over the potted plant in excitement. The Dark One had thought Emma was implying that she was with child or would want to soon be with child. Either way, his actions weren't really justified, and we assume that this behavior (i.e. knocking over an expensive potted plant) was due to his copious amounts of solitude.

"What was that?" Emma broke off her original thought. "Do you think we should check it out?"

"I don't know... What were you saying, love? Practice for..." Killian prodded eagerly, his face visibly paler.

"I was just about to tell you Mary Margaret said that if this goes well, she'd let us babysit more often," Emma continued. Killian didn't know whether to be disappointed or relieved- for a moment he thought Emma was implying that she was pregnant.

"Well, I rather enjoy this. I hope we can watch your brother more in the future."

Rumple decided to return to his hotel room and let the rest of the evening play out without any of his "brilliant" interference, occasionally turning on the monitor and liking what he heard. He thought a better use of his time would be to plot out a new way to bring them closer together- maybe something involving candles?

In the safety of his temporary home, Rumple began to make a list of possible ideas. Occasionally he would cross something out or mutter incoherently, and at the end of three hours, he had made little progress.

"I'm losing my touch. Without magic, I am hardly the Dark One," Rumple sighed. He threw down his incomplete list.

"No, dammit. I'm still the Dark One despite the magic. Anyone can have magic- Emma, Regina, conveniently most villains. Yes, but _no one _in this world can have my brain. My brain is what makes me the most powerful man in Storybrooke." Rumple, being so narrow minded, completely forgot to factor in the power of women. He also forgot the power of true love and all of its qualities. So, foolishly, he continued to elaborate his plan.

"Alright, what's the number one thing preventing Emma from getting 'knocked up' so to speak? I don't know the contraceptives of this realm. Maybe some sort of magic pill?"

He temporarily "borrowed" a laptop from the man staying next door who was out for the day. He promised himself he would learn how to clear his internet history before he was done whatever that meant. A few hours and many disturbing pictures and theories later, Rumple was more enlightened on many aspects of sex that he never pictured before. At least he now had an idea what protection Emma and Hook used to prevent a pregnancy. He just didn't know how to get rid of the protection. He didn't even know what they used! This would require investigation and planning. Since Emma and Hook were at their apartment watching Neal, Rumple would have to pay a visit the next day.

For a pick me up, Rumple left his room and went to grab an ice cream.

Back at the Swan-Jones residence, Hook was struggling to change Neal's diaper, especially without being able to use his hook.

"You're doing fine," Emma smirked mischievously.

"Why? Why are you making me do this? Why is something so small and cute so disgusting? Neal makes drunk sailors smell like daisies," Killian griped.

"It's all part of life, so stop whining about it."

"And you aren't helping me because...?"

"What if you need to watch Neal when I'm not there?"

"Good point, lass. I assumed you'd always be there to help me."

"You never know. I thinks it's a good idea that you learn how to do this."

"... and done! Now the little lad is all clean and ready for his next adventure."

"I don't think he'll be going on any adventures yet."

"He's the son of Snow White and Prince Charming, brother of Emma Swan, whose boyfriend is Captain Hook, so that would make the Evil Queen his... bloody hell... Regina I suppose isn't technically related but she's part of the family. So is the Dark One, but I think it's best we forget about him. My head hurts too much to continue the rest of your bloody family tree."

"Yeah. It gets awkward around Thanksgiving," Emma joked.

"Yes, I've heard of this Thanksgiving. What is it?" Killian inquired.

Emma rolled her eyes but began to explain the holiday. As she spoke, Killian tuned out her words. Not intentionally- he usually never tuned Emma out. He loved hearing her thoughts and her voice. However, he didn't particularly care about Thanksgiving (he didn't think it would be relevant later... the poor guy); instead, he stared intently into Emma's eyes, watching the natural movements of her face. He adored the way her mouth quirked into a small smile, and the way her blue eyes looked warm. They weren't always warm- for a long time, she only looked at Killian with cold, scrutinizing eyes. Then, she wasn't seeing the man, she could only see the pirate.

Oh, how so much has changed since they first met.

"So basically, the Indians all turned greedy and killed everyone in America and now everything outside of Storybrooke has crumbled into nothingness, and those unfortunate survivors are eating tree bark to survive," Emma bullshited, knowing full well Killian had stopped listening. "Killain? Earth to Killian Jones?"

"Sorry, love. I got... distracted."

"Really?"

"What can I say, you're just so beautiful," Killian breathed, slowing his speech.

Emma tilted her head as if to say "_You're not going to get off with flattery_." But she responded coyly "you're not so bad yourself."

"Well-" Whatever Killian was about to say got cut off by Neal's piercing cries. "What now?"

"Maybe he's hungry," Emma wondered, picking up her baby brother from his play pen.

"We should go get some ice cream from Frozen Treats," Killian suggested.

"Neal is a baby, he can't have ice cream."

"I _know _that," Hook lied. "I meant for us." Not completely a lie, he did want ice cream.

"Sure, when I can get Neal to stop crying."

Once Neal got some food in him, Emma and Killian (with baby Neal) ventured down to the ice cream parlour. They didn't even notice the hooded figure sitting in the corner, glumly licking a cone of pistachio ice cream.

The hooded figure noticed them.

_If Emma and Killian are here, I'll have time to quickly sneak into their apartment! I must go at once! _Rumple thought. Quickly, but not too quickly, Rumple exited Frozen Treats and ran in the shadows all the way to Emma and Hook's apartment.

"Well, well, well. What do we have here?" Rumple said to himself, standing in their shared bathroom.

He went through all the cabinets- both Emma and Hook's, to find just what he was looking for.

And boy, did he find it.

**A/N: We hoped you enjoyed the latest chapter- sorry for the delay! We hope you enjoy and have an awesome week**


End file.
